At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
