Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
