dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
