there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
