Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
The beer is more important than you right now.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
ttyl tear gas
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
