I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
