i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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