I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
