I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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