Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
