I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
