How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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