We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
