Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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