I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
