I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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