I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
