Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
