His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
