is your mom at the bar?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
