I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
