This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
