I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
