he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
