Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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