I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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