Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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