btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Say something about gay babies.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
