my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
