Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
