Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
