hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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