im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
