Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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