my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
