I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
