Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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