i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
