i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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