when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Don't make out with my wife yet
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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