so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
