Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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