a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
