Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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