i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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