let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
All I want is dick and wine.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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