He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
