help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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