Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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