i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
