dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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